![]() But sooner or later – and probably sooner – they’d just shoot me in the back and say the bad guys did it. Maybe for the first few times, the other guys would laugh. At the first sign of conflict, I’d shout “COBRA! RETREAT!” in Cobra Commander’s whiny voice. I’d kick in people’s doors and scream “COBRA!” at them while they cowered in fear. The reason I could never be trusted in a military situation isn’t because I suck at taking orders (although I do), but because if I was going house-to-house in Fallujah, I wouldn’t be able to control myself. Why would I be a soldier in Cobra, but not join the army? …is the best thing any of us could hope to do in our lives. Objectively, there’s no way of arguing against the central fact, here. There’s no way a Crimson Guard – who, let’s recall, has a law degree – would just touch down and punch out Camera One. The sky is full of 3,000 parachutes all with the Cobra symbol on them. They had their own embassy/office block in some US city that I forget the name of right now. One of the reasons Cobra was so awesome was that they advertised themselves on TV. This guy lands and punches a camera, shattering its helpless glass eye. That’s how rad Cobra was: their elite guards also had day jobs as handsome lawyers.īilly, from Ally McBeal - A captain in the Crimson Guard (Director's Cut only).īut here’s why this cartoon reeks of anti-Cobra propaganda. They also acted as deep-cover agents in civilian life, and it was mandatory for all Crimson Guards to have accounting or law degrees. They didn’t always wear this armour, by the way. Gay-bashing is just one of the things they’d never do.Īs if Cobra Troopers didn’t look awesome enough, here’s a Crimson Guard – one of Cobra’s elite soldiers – parachuting down to be off the scale in maximum coolness. So maybe they just got their coordinates wrong this once.īut then, a lot of this opening sequence is actually bullshit, and goes against the fundamentally awesome principles of Cobra. What I find particularly haunting about this naked aggression against gays is that Cobra is, in all ways, an equal-opportunity employer. I assume he had his reasons for deploying his private army in such a way. I don’t know why this would be, but then, I’m not Cobra Commander. Judging by all the flashing lights, fireworks and multicoloured balloons floating around the Statue of Liberty, Cobra are apparently committing a parachute assault against a Gay Pride March. My point is this: If you don’t think that’s hardcore, then you and I will never be friends. You might think all terrorists are assholes, but these are the guys that go headfirst into battle, decide that’s just not rad enough, and make it balls-first instead. And on this second time, you get a close up of his balls. And these are a killer's balls.Ĭobra Troopers are parachuting down, and that one guy is so badass you don’t simply zoom into his thousand-yard-stare, because he totally catches a thermal, rises up, and descends toward the camera again. At least he’s not shouting “Cobra! Surrender!” or “Cobra! Let them take us to Guantanamo Bay for our crimes!”īut too often, this is the image people have of Cobra Commander: So really, retreating is about the only smart thing you can do in those situations. I’m willing to admit that Cobra has its flaws, but what company doesn’t? Yes, their leader’s catchphrase is “Cobra! Retreat!“, but in his defence, they’d all be arrested or killed if they stood around fighting a losing battle. Their principal opponents are flag-sucking Stars and Stripes wankers with suntans and perfect smiles, and that’s the kind of thing that gets American TV networks spooging all over their safe, safe schedules full of safe, safe programs. The organisation that I’d want to defend us against space invaders – indeed, the only corporation I actively want to join even now – is Cobra.Ĭobra gets a very bad rap, but that’s not always their fault. It wouldn’t be the US Army, or the ThunderCats, or even the Autobots led by a Powermaster Series Optimus Prime from eBay with all the fiddly gun bits still in the box. SlingBlade is white, about 6'1", a generally good looking guy exceptįor his huge nose.If aliens landed right now, and they were the kind of squiggly slime-beasts that were totally into wiping out mankind, there’s one organisation that I’d want to defend us. Them were awesome in their own way, one friend stands out: Mythree years there some of the best of my life. Guys like PWJ, GoldenBoy, EI Bingeroso, Hate, JoJo and Credit made ![]() While at Duke Law School, I made some of my best friends on earth. Anyways, I'm about halfway through and already one chunk of the book made me laugh my ass off. He's like the sexual raptor equivelant of Maddox. I got this in PDF format, e-mailed from a friend and wow.
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